Avast!
by LeCastor
Summary: FT. Shrek, Inigo Montoya, Fezzik. In response to a prompt, "Pirates knocked up Shrek". Shrek has an encounter with pirates. It doesn't go very well, but at least the writer manages to avert mpreg. Hopefully this is at least a touch amusing. ONESHOT.


**Author note:** I wrote this in response to a prompt, again. Basically, er, it's a _**Shrek/Princess Bride crossover**_. It's crack. Utter and complete crack.

You have been warned.

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It was an excellent day for a new start. Inigo tied the black sash behind his head, and screamed "Avast!"

There was chuckling amongst the crew, but most hollered in response, "Avast!"

Just a few days past and he had started a new life, a new way of living. So strange, he thought, to no longer be in the revenge business. He missed Rugen, sometimes. In the secret recesses of his captain's quarters, Inigo would say, to the mirror, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to d---" And this time he never finished the sentence, because he lurched forward and banged his head against the mirror.

Cursing like – oh, how surprising – a pirate, Inigo, oh, no sorry, the Dread Pirate Roberts, stepped out of his cabin.

"Belay that!" he screamed, and he hoped that did mean to stop that – his pirate slang wasn't all that good.

Someone quipped, from a safe distance, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Inigo took a step in his direction, the offender cringed.

The very large man looking over at the prow called, suddenly. "Oh, Inig--- Dread Pirate Roberts! Look what we have here! We knocked something! " Distracted from his annoying crewman, Inigo wheeled and walked over to the prow.

Inigo grunted, wandered over.

"It's green," he said, unhelpfully. "Blimey," gasped the annoying crewman, who was standing on tiptoe for a peek and was vaguely reminiscent of Vizzini, Inigo mused.

"Ànd it it's not even shiny," Fezzik pointed out.

"I think we had better take a look," said Inigo.

"Perhaps this means I should use the hook," Fezzik replied as he fetched it.

The green thing was brought up, and the crew gathered 'round it in confusion. It was green and round, and dripping with water. It was on a tree trunk, or perhaps it was a small skiff, but it was hard to tell, so rustic the embarkation was.

Suddenly, the green thing – being? Giant? Started to retch water, a small pewting sound was heard and a nauseating smell filled the bridge.

"Begad! I think the blaggard farted!" one of the pirates screamed as he went for cover.

The green thing stood, and burped loudly, spitting out some fish bones in the process. Fezzik frowned.

"It's the brute squad," he muttered to Inigo. "No, that's you. He's the brute regiment."

"I am not a brute," the green being turned and looked at the pair, eyes crazy and bloodshot. "I am ... an Ogre."

"Oh that one's not easy to find a rhyme for," Fezzik pointed out placidly.

"I am.... an OGRE...." Shrek boomed again. Inigo frowned, crinkled his nose. "Do you floss? You should floss. It would do wonders for your social life."

"I don't floss, and I don't want a social life. I want to be left – ALONE," the ogre replied, grumpily. He took a few steps to get off the ship, but... the little skiff he was on was long gone, detached by an inadvertent loose not.

"If you want to jump off the ship, really," Inigo hazarded, "Be my guest."

Shrek turned, angrily. "Who are you?"

"I am..." and a dramatic pause is made for effect, waiting to keep him waiting.... "The Dread Pirate Roberts."

"Ah." Shrek replied, clearly unimpressed. "And I am Shrek. Now, take me back to my swamp, or I will destroy your ship."

"Now, that would be worst than eating a turnip," Vezzik quipped, and everyone turned to glare at him.

Shrek in the meantime leaned against the railing, frowning and pouting. There was a crack. Someone reached out to tell him not to --- and he fell in the water, again.

Without anyone telling him anything about it, Fezzik reached and brought him back on the deck, though the gesture demanded an effort and he frowned and puffed as he did it.

"Well, at least he's had two baths now," one of the crew ventured.

Inigo sighed. "When he wakes, we will see where to leave him. Maybe the Fire swamp will do."


End file.
